Conflict Is for the Birds!

Unresolved workplace and family conflict costs business millions of dollars a year in lost productivity. Companies spend even more money to curb it. But the fact of the matter is that conflict is part of everyday life; we need to recognize it and manage it – not avoid it.

The good news is that conflict can be resolved. The key is in your approach. How we respond to conflict will either escalate the conflict or enable us to resolve the situation. There are five different approaches to conflict that you can take:

The Woodpecker: Woodpeckers are clear on what needs to be done to resolve the situation and will hammer away at their point until the other person agrees. Woodpeckers don’t need to waste a lot of time on the niceties. Their concern is getting the other party to see things their way.

The Parakeet: Parakeets are focused on the relationship at risk in conflict. They are willing to concede the point, so long as the relationship remains intact. Parakeets are likely to use humour to lighten the moment or to insist that the situation isn’t as dire as the other person may think.

The Owl: Owls move slowly through conflict because they want to make sure that they understand all aspects of the situation, have heard all pertinent information, and have properly communicated their perspective. They want to make sure that the solution is what’s best for everyone. Owls are willing to take whatever time is required to work through the conflict.

The Ostrich: Ostriches prefer to stick their heads in the sand and pretend that conflict doesn’t exist. They will ignore or avoid potential conflict situations – to the point of physically leaving the room if that’s what is required.

The Hummingbird: Hummingbirds want to work things out quickly. They willingly create options for resolution and are open to negotiation. For Hummingbirds, finding middle ground allows everyone to “get” something in the situation. While it may not be the perfect solution, it’s “good enough” so that everyone can move on.

There’s no one right way to approach conflict. Each style has its uses and its challenges. How do we decide which approach to take?

First, consider what’s important. Is this a situation where the outcome is vital? Is the type of relationship you have with the other person important in the long run? The Woodpecker is a task-oriented approach. The Parakeet is more relationship-oriented. And if the answer is that both the relationship and the task are important, then the Owl or Hummingbird approach is most appropriate. Deciding between these two approaches will depend on how much time you have. Is the conflict worthy of a significant time investment? Or do you need a quick fix so you can move on? And then there are those conflicts that are not important at any level – that’s when the Ostrich approach is the most appropriate.

Secondly, consider the other person’s style. You may have adopted an approach that is appropriate to the situation but, because of the way the other person is responding, you are not able to resolve the situation. If your approach isn’t working because of their style, consider what approach you can take that will allow you to work things out.

The challenge is to consciously decide how to approach conflict. Generally, the conflict management style we use is simply a habit we’ve developed. Whether it is because that’s how our family dealt with conflict, or because we’ve been influenced by workplace expectations, we become so used to dealing with conflict in a certain way that it happens without thinking. We’re on autopilot. Sometimes it works for us, but other times it doesn’t. And the result is a debilitating, energy-consuming, heart-wrenching, conflict situation.

But conflicts don’t need to be destructive experiences. When we make a conscious and deliberate choice about how to approach a conflict situation, we find that conflicts can be resolved.

Gayle Oudech, Centre for Conflict Resolution